Therapists describes what scary 'consensual' sex looks like

Has your partner ever done anything during sex that has scared you, and if so, what are the consequences?

Eusebius McKaiser chats to clinical sexologist Dr Eve on the types of scary sex out there and looks at the possible unveiling of a new genre of sexuality that is flittering into the realms of 'normal' sexual behaviour between consenting adults.

She says scary sex is consensual sex but is oftentimes not wanted.

RELATED: Do's and don'ts after sex

People feel bad to let down a partner, they feel pressured or coerced into the situation. Some find the sex painful or beyond their ability to control it or stop it thus they go ahead with it.

Dr Eve, Clinical sexologist

Dr Eve says the source of what she terms scary sex, can be linked to pornography.

The research by Debby Herbenick says that the first hookups from the age group between 14 and 29 chocking is what most frequently happens.

Dr Eve, Clinical sexologist

She says in Hebernick’s study, most of the choking instances described appear to have not been discussed by partners in advance – the other person just started choking the respondent.

Another element in scary sex is a phenomenon called facials.

Porn has made the face a common target. Men ejaculating on women’s faces used to be called 'the money shot'.

Dr Eve, Clinical sexologist

Dr Eve says people need to answer the below questions in order to understand whether they have experienced scary sex:

1: Have you ever experienced rape, forced sex, or feared you were going to be raped?

2: Have you ever explicitly said ” no, I'm not consenting,” and asked someone to stop but the person did not stop?

3: Have you ever been drugged and made to have sex or been very intoxicated during sex?

4: Engaged in sexual encounters that became rough, uncomfortable, or painful, asked your partner to stop to no avail.

5: A partner didn’t stop when you said that you were hurting or were uncomfortable.

6: Declined anal sex only to be pressured, coerced, or forced to have it.

7: Forced into unprotected anal sex.

8: Had hands around your neck, choking you.

9: A partner wanted to try breath play or choking. You said you didn’t. They started choking you before you consented and you passed out.

10: Being scared because there was more than one person in the room or involved in the sex act, often without prior discussion or consent.

11: Felt afraid of a partner finding out about the number of past partners you as a woman has had.

12: Felt scared in connection with sex toy use or BDSM play. 13: Been held down or pinned down during sex.

14: Been held down when trying to pull away.

15: Been threatened with violence. For example, had a gun next to the bed.

16: Felt partner’s angry/violent behaviour when you refused sex.

Listen below to the full interview:


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