Oftentimes hurtful we have said hurtful words to people that we care about.
Clinical sexologist Dr Eve says hurtful words, emotions such as fear and sadness, can be found underneath the anger.
Fear includes things such as anxiety and worry, and sadness comes from the experience of loss, disappointment or discouragement.
Eusebius McKaiser speaks to Dr Eve about anger in relationships.
Angry words are just the tipping point and the start of gender-based violence.— Dr Eve, Clinical sexologist
Your angry words create distance and as much as you apologised you do not heal as wounds heal, words stick.— Dr Eve, Clinical sexologist
In her blog, Dr Eve explains the different types of 'Anger styles'
This anger style is often more of a bark rather than a bite.
Expressing your resentment by sniping, sarcasm, criticism, nagging, mean-spirited teasing, or snarky comments. Differentiate this from a verbally aggressive and emotionally abusive relationship.
3. Slow Burn and Eruption
You have difficulty asking for what you want, so you swallow your resentments, disappointments, and thwarted desires until you can no longer tolerate the way you feel. At that point, you are likely to erupt into a tirade of rageful accusations and explosive threats.
4. Rapid-Fire Extermination
This mode appears intended to annihilate the other partner’s status in the relationship. It is a focused attack, a verbal machine gun, using whatever is more likely to undermine and devalue any defence on the part of your partner. Partners who use this anger style need to win at any cost by silencing the other, then immediately disconnecting.
5. Hit and Run
Angry partners who are fearful of their partners' responses often wait to express their own negative feelings when they can rapidly disconnect before facing retaliation.
6. Cold Withdrawal
You deploy patronising, robotic silence during your angry interludes. This behaviour may last for a short time or for days and usually does not end until you get what you want.
Continuous, repressed anger that is blamed on the other partner can easily turn into martyrdom. Martyrdom is a silent, self-effacing anger style but effectively communicates cumulative distress
Some people cannot bear any kind of angry interactions and will use any means to avoid them. The most typical of those behaviours is to abuse alcohol or other drugs. But any addictive escape behaviours can be just as effective, even those that appear on the outside to be more legitimate like intense working out, spending huge amounts of time committed to work or hobbies.
9. Bank Shots
You express anger through “bank shots” by bringing in the “troops” for additional support during an angry interaction. When you feel that you are losing an argument, you bring in the opinions of others that your partner respects.
This style is the most damaging to a relationship. You are intentional in your goal to inflict damage and to vanquish the other. You do so by using wipe-out statements, character assassination, attacks on your partner’s most vulnerable states, and threats of abandonment or exile. To retaliate, you intend to annihilate your partner any way you can.
Listen to the full interview below...