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The gourmet girls guide to a boys night out
Intro
• There are gender differences in what people like to eat and the environment in which they like to do it.
• At their less savoury end boys like to eat in some quite dodgy places.
• What follows are 3 Jo’burg venues that offer excellent epicurean experiences but are not really suitable for nice girls.
• Before any PC boys phone in and get dreadfully upset that we are maligning them, everyone must just chill – we’re just teasing. Sort of…
• Besides I am the nicest of nice girls (and actually often accused of being too PC) and I have eaten and or drunk my way through all of the venues I am going to discuss.
• So who am I to judge anyone …
Gastro-porn:
The Grand 011 234 9593, Corner Main Rivonia Rd and 11th Avenue, Rivonia, JHB
• Let’s say it up front there are strippers and lap dancers so if that is going to freak you out best to stay away.
• The lavatories are shaped like red lip-sticked mouths – which is a bit unnerving.
• The Grand is the latest business venture of Andrew Phillips and his girlfriend Madeleine Wessels. Andrew Phillips was the man who owned the Ranch - which Willie Hofmeyr (Scorpion turned Hawk) described as “an upper class brothel.”
• Very nice staff food policy – all staff eat from the main buffet so you see girls in g-strings with the white gogo boots at the buffet table.
• BOOZE - If you are a wine fan you have to see the wine list at the Grand which is beyond astonishing in its fabulousness.
• Phillips and Wessels have assembled what is without question the most comprehensive list of international wines and spirits in Gauteng.
• There are rows and rows of 15 litre bottles of vintage Tatinger and a special machine with which to pour out the 30 litre bottles.
• Phillips claims that they are “the biggest mover of Cognac in the country.”
• There is more Vin de Constance than one could ever hope to consume and Macallan 1946 nestles on the shelf with Louis 13th Remy Martin black pearl.
• The saki menu goes on for pages and there are shelves and shelves of Chinese rice wines many which have snakes, lizards and little shrews floating around in the bottles.
• Only one of the bars has dancing naked ladies on top but ignore them and focus on the quality of the wine.
• FOOD - The entrance fee of R300 entitles the diner to eat as often and as much as he likes until the club closes at 3am.
• Teppinyaki chef Jeff Huang sizzles up a jolly nice crayfish and sole selection.
• Sushi chef Peter Yi rolls rice balls as if his life depends on it.
• Chef Rajen Naidoo makes hearty portions of lamb curry with homemade roti.
• Best of all head chef Fungai Masekesa was trained at the Inanda Club and consequently does a very nice line in retro-chic desserts. Maseka says that jelly and custard is his biggest seller but the cupcakes decorated with edible gold and silver balls were my favourite.
• Then there is the caviar selection. For shear opulence the oceans of Beluga on offer at The Grand is hard to beat. Caviar lovers should know that fish eggs are not included in the entrance fee and you will need to shell out extra for the Caspian’s finest. The good news is that right next to the caviar bar is an internet banking facility which allows those with a serious sturgeon habit to transfer funds into their credit cards.
• Breakfast bliss: Johannesburg is desperately short of places for late night revelers to soak up excess alcohol. Next time you are hungry at 2am remember the bacon and marmite toast on offer chez Phillips.
• Look into the bain maries piled high with scrambled eggs and sausages and remember the Marquis de Sade’s request for “a plain omelet served piping hot on the buttocks of a naked woman and eaten with an exceedingly sharp fork.” Omelets are available on request.
Brilliant wine lists not suitable for wives mark 2:
Crystal Exclusive African Nite Club, 11th street, Parkmore, (011 783 9601)
• The thumbnail sized diamonds in the ears of the Paul Smith clad doorman at Crystal Exclusive African Nite Club, Parkmore, Johannesburg set the scene.
• Crystal is owned by Cameroonian hotelier and wine exporter Pascal Monkam
• The exterior is deceptively modest but behind the doorman is a decadence of unimaginable splendour.
• The cheapest offering on the winelist is a R3900 Moet. If you order something really expensive they bring it to you with a sparkler in the top so everyone can see you spent lots of money. But how is that different from making a booking at Nobu in Cape Town? That’s also about being seen to spend to excess.
• Do not think of arriving at either venue before midnight and anyone who leaves the dancefloor before 4am will be considered a sissy of the worst sort. You will stumble home deafened by the Dekale, Zouk and Kwasa Kwasa music but no matter - by dawn your fellow clubbers will have taught you that hearing is optional and ears exist primarily to hang diamonds from.
Aphrodisiac adventures which are suitable for semi nice girls to come along to…
North Food 15 Derrick Avenue, Cyrildene – no telephone number
• Adventurous epicureans should seek out chef Zengcai Li at the fabulous North Food restaurant.
• What the menu lacks in linguistic niceties it makes up for in fabulous Manchurian style flavours. Manchuria is cold in winter so its perfect right now because its nearly all stewy stuff and comfort kos Chinese style.
• He serves ‘sauted ox pizzles in abalone sauce’ which he swears is ‘very good for love’.
• If you really fancy the ox pizzles you can buy more to take home at the Xiang Ying Meat Shop, directly opposite North Food – which also curiously has a cage full of parrots at the front door (pets) and a freezer full of shrink wrapped turtles (not pets).
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