Valentine’s Day Lovers to Lunch with – King Solomon, Nelson Mandela and Fantastic Mr Fox.

1. No one likes the melting chocolate hearts and wilting roses version of Valentine’s Day.
2. This year why not look to history and literature for alternative inspiration.
3. Why be a Love Is cartoon when you can be the Queen of Sheba?
4. There are so many great gourmet lovers to choose from. Past, present and foxy…

King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba
1. This story has slight date rape overtones and so should be treated with circumspection.

2. Coptic Christian, Jewish and Islamic religious texts all tell the story of the Ethiopian Queen of Sheba who travelled to the court of King Solomon in Jerusalem.

3. The best, fullest account is in The Kebra Nagast (The Glory of Kings), a 14th century compilation of Ethiopian oral histories. In the Kebra Nagast it says that "the Queen was dumbstruck with wonder at the things that she heard from a traveling merchant, and she pondered in her heart that she would to go to Solomon, the King,"

4. There seems to have been a mis-match of intentions – the virginal queen controlled the ancient frankincense empire (and consequently hugely wealthy and a jolly good businesswoman) and seems to have had trade relations in mind. King Solomon had more lustful thoughts.

5. During the queen's stay, Solomon became infatuated with the virginal queen. She she said thank you but no to all his amorous offers.

6. Determined to have the virginal queen, Solomon extracted a promise from the queen to take nothing that belonged to him. The penalty for breaking this promise would be sex.

7. Then he ordered a grand banquet to be served the night before her departure. He was then so sneaky because he directed his cook to serve the best wines to prepare the spiciest dishes. After having eaten and drunk her fill, the queen fell asleep at which point Solomon had jugs of water, labeled as his property, placed strategically around her. When she woke up, she immediately gulped down some water, at which point the King said ‘aha! Now we can have sex!”

8. The queen returned home and gives birth to a son, Ebna Hakim, who when he grews up traveled to his father's court. The Kebra Nagast records that "Solomon … was overjoyed to see his handsome and noble-minded son.… Solomon did his best to persuade Ebna Hakim to remain to Jerusalem, with the intention of making him his successor; but the young prince was deaf to his father's pleas."

9. So Solomon sent him back to Ethiopia with a group of his senior advisors. This group left Jerusalem taking with them the legendary Ark of the Covenant (the chest reputed to contain the original tablets of the Ten Commandments sent to Moses by God).

10. To this day, Ethiopian tradition places the Ark in the northern Ethiopian city Axum.

11. When the queen died in the mid-10th century BCE, her son rose to the Ethiopian throne as Emperor Menilek I. This Solomonic Dynasty ruled Ethiopia for the next 2000 years; the last emperor of Ethiopia, Haile Sellassie, claimed descent from Solomon and the queen through Menilek.

12. Some scholars and biblical commentators argue that the Song of Solomon was written by (or in the voice of) the Queen of Sheba. Let’s hope so because it is the oldest (and for my money still the best) piece of epicurean eroticism ever written. It would be hard to top this for gastro-porn:

“lips that drop sweetness like honeycomb, my bride, syrup and milk are under your tongue, and your dress had the scent of Lebanon. Your cheeks are an orchard of pomegranates, an orchard full of rare fruits, spikenard and saffron, sweet cane and cinnamon”
So how to emulate Solomon and the Queen of Sheba’s dinner date?

OPTION 1 EAT ISRAELI: The obvious way to go would be The Schwarma Company in Norwood (011 483 1776. Open daily for lunch and dinner) who serve Israeli/ Middle Eastern casual cuisine. Think felafel, warm pita breads, tahina, juicy seven-spice-marinated lamb kebabs, roasted aubergines and marinated olives. They also do chips and ribs for kiddie palates but why are your kids out with you on your Valentine’s date?

OPTION 2 EAT ETHIOPIAN: Your other option would be to go Ethiopian. The delicious but within comfort zone suggestion is to visit Chef Amsale Debela’s Kensington restaurant; Abysinia (cnr Langerman and Queen Street 072 918 8824/ 011 6153128. Open daily lunch and supper) serves delicious paprika and cardamom-laden doro wat, lovely tej honey wine, tinglingly tart injera sour dough breads.

IF YOU EAT ETHIOPIAN REMEMBER Flavour Marriages are a form of edible romance.
Make sure that you pair the Ethiopian food with Tej honey wine – which offers a perfect flavour marriage. The sweet almost gingery wine matches the gentle berbere spiced stews, contrasts with the tinglingly tart injera and ricotta -like creamy ayeb cheese garnish.

Nelson and Winnie – a great African love story.

1. In order to understand the extent of our gratitude to the icons of our struggle against apartheid we need to recognize what they gave up on a personal level.

2. The love story of Nelson and Winnie Mandela is one of the many personal sacrifices that they and people like them made so that the rest of us could have a better future.

3. The relationship ultimately didn’t survive the stresses it faced but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great love.

4. We all need to strive for a better, more equal tomorrow to show them that their sacrifice was not in vain.

So what did they eat on their first date?
• On 10 March 1957 Madiba took Winnie Madikizela (a 22 year old social worker) to lunch.
• He says Azaad’s restaurant while she remembers it as Kapitan’s, but since both were Indian restaurants on Kort Street, the divergence is of little significance. Basically they were the only 2 semi-smart, date type restaurants in Johannesburg where black people could eat so it must have been one of them.
• What is more interesting than the actual name of the eatery is their distinctly different perceptions of the success of the occasion. He remembers her as beautiful and the date as a huge success.
• She says it was terrible: “I had never eaten curry in my life before and I drank gallons of Coca-Cola because it was burning – this hot, hot food that I had never tasted before. It was such a culture shock for a girl from Pondoland. I would take one spoon, swallow and drink Coca-Cola, then attempt another. By the time we finished eating I had tears in my eyes and was sneezing. I had taken such care with my appearance and then there was my nose running and my eyes watering! It was actually a dreadful experience at the time, but of course he never even noticed the discomfort of me eating like that. He was having spoon after spoon and I just could not believe that anyone could eat such dreadful food. It was chicken curry and mutton curry and I ate this funny bread for the first time – roti, flat bread: I had never seen that before. I was from Pondoland. I was a country girl. I didn’t know such things. I had been in Johannesburg since 1953 and I just never moved in such circles. I was an ordinary social worker and my case load was in the townships…You can imagine, you want to impress this person and there you are sneezing and choking – it was horrible and I didn’t want him to see that I had never eaten this type of food before. I was just watching him enjoying. I never told him. To think of it, that it was a disaster!’
• He thought it was such a success that the same day asked her to marry him.

Both Kapitans and Azards have closed so where to go for an equivalent eating experience?
OPTION 1: They would have been eating Durban Diaspora Indian cuisine not the posh-nosh Indian from India Mogul-style food that is more common in Johannesburg today. For the best of Durban-style delicacies in Johannesburg. Lugz (Braam Fischer Drive, Canterbury Crossing, Randburg, JHB. 011 781 6244) is the place to go. Proper eye popping, Mother in law Masala-laden joy awaits. If you don’t love your partner by the time you have savoured the lusciously oily, stain-your-hands-with-turmeric lamb curry topped with carrot pickle you really should split up because there is no hope for you…

OPTION 2:
• Alternately to get a sense of the man who took the woman to lunch rather than the icon he subsequently became you really need to go to Mvezo.
• Tourists spend endless hours on the Robben Island ferry but almost always overlook Nelson Mandela’s Mvezo birthplace - which is a mistake because the essential essence of Madiba is to be found in these Thembuland pastures.
• People say it is hard to get access but it’s really not if you behave respectfully and follow procedure.
• Mvezo is an aloe lined settlement overlooking the Mbashe river. It’s not a trashy tourist trap but rather a real rural community with very little experience of outside visitors. The potholed road is beyond dreadful, there are no hotels or gift shops and it is private property.
• But if you phone Mrs Nonkoliseku Sobuza Secretary of the Mvezo Komkhulu Traditional Council will organise simple but welcoming home-stays with local families.
• Eating umngusho in Mvezo at sunset is the ultimate Madiba magic.
Mvezo Great Place; Mbashe River, District of Mtata, Eastern Cape. Mrs Sobuza 083 4710079

If Fantastic Mr. Fox calls I am leaving my husband…
• If you want real romance you must go with Roald Dahl’s Fantastic Mr. Fox.
• He is my absolute ultimate perfect man.
• Almost everyone knows the story of how Mr. Fox and the other woodland creatures outsmart 3 evil farmers (Bogis and Bunce and Bean) who are trying to dig them out of their burrows.
• The animals dig tunnels under the farmer’s properties and steal chickens from Boggis, geese from Bunce and cider from Bean.
• What really made me fall in love with Mr. Fox (aged 8 and I have never felt any need to change the object of my affections) was that not only does he bravely foil the evil plans of Bogis and Bunce and Bean but he is also considerate to the food taboos of others. Despite the pain of having his beautiful tail shot off by the villainous farmers, the carnivorous Mr Fox remembers to take carrots to the besieged and starving rabbit family.
• Mrs Fox is not wrong when she says "children, your father is a fantastic fox".
• Bitch.

So where to go for a Mr Fox moment?

OPTION 1: Lazy women who know they are never going to match the domestic godessery of Mrs. Fox could head for La Marina and buy a tin of duck confit – R129 for a tin of 2 legs. It’s the ultimate cheat way to quick gourmet. Just make some buttery mashed potato and an orange sauce then heat your duck and serve. 011 997 0500

OPTION 2: If Mr. Fox is ever looking to relocate he should keep in mind that the best, plumpest, most flavorsome duck in South Africa is to be found at Dargle Duck in the KZN, Midlands. These free range ducks are the Wagu beef of the poultry world – the owner Dean de Chazel says they swim in ponds and play beneath a sprinkler “to cool down and develop muscle growth.” Their happy lives turn them into the best duck portions (breast and leg quarters) pates, sausage etc. They currently have no outlets in Gauteng but Dean runs a 5 room B&B on the farm. The duck sausage is on the breakfast menu. Owner Dean de Chazal says “you are not allowed to come if you don’t eat duck”
033 234 4227/ 082 422 0806 dean.dechazal@gmail.com

Celibate Valentine’s Day Celebrations
• Remember that Valentine himself was a 14th century celibate who was clubbed to death and then beheaded as well!
• So, if you really aren’t feeling the Valentine’s fever this year you are actually more historically accurate than the people rushing about with chocolates and flowers.
• If you belong to the Ba-humbug school you need to book at Chef Andrea Burgener’s The Leopard in Parkhurst where she is serving an anti-valentine menu. Absolutely everything is designed to make you too garlicy to kiss or alternately get stuck in your teeth.
• The tomato soup (red in honour of the bashing in of Valentine’s head) comes with a superbly smelly, anchovy, garlic bread.
• Alternately what could be a less romantic spot than a power station? Turbine Hall is offering a 3 course R285 per head meal on Valentine’s day. Sure the venue is reconfiguring itself as inner city chic arts and culture venue but still a power station is a power station. 0873103888turbinebookings@theforum.co.za
If you can’t resist going super soppy…
Call La Madeleine in Pretoria who have oysters topped with a ginger granita that say love, lust and all of life on a plate.

Follow the oysters with chocolate madeleine biscuits and sink into soppy seduction deluxe. 012 361 3667, www.lamadeleine.co.za

If you can’t get to La Mad. Chef Daniel Leusch has kindly given us the chocolate Madeleine recipe.

Chocolate Madeleine’s:
200g room temperature butter
190g cake flour
200g white sugar
4 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 pinch salt
a generous sprinkle of good quality chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 180C.
Mix all the dry ingredients.
Add the eggs then the butter and chocolate chips.
Spoon the mixture into a Madeleine biscuit mold (shell shaped cookie tray).
Cook for 7-8 minutes until cooked through and pale golden.

Chocolate sauce:
280g milk chocolate, finely chopped
280g milk
160g cream

Bring the milk and cream mixture to the boil then remove from heat and pour over the chopped chocolate. Mix until the chocolate has melted then serve with Madeleine biscuits.