Introduction:
1. Jesus’ mother is surely the patron saint of women having a difficult time at Christmas.
2. Remember, Jesus is her first baby, the circumstances of his conception have left her very vulnerable to gossip, Joseph could have left her, she could have been stoned to death for being pregnant but not married etc, etc…
3. Having overcome those hurdles she is then required to do a long, uncomfortable journey on a donkey while heavily pregnant - which sounds hectically unpleasant.
4. She gets to Bethlehem to find there is no room at inn which, even if she wasn’t in the first stages of labour, would be grounds for a pregnant hissy fit.
5. A stable is less than ideal to have a baby in. There is no talk of any midwife etc. So basically she does it on her own.
6. And then a range of people she doesn’t know start arriving with weird, impractical presents. Frankincense and myrrh are all very well but gripe water and a copy of Baby Sense would have been a whole lot more useful in the moment.
7. Then Herod starts massacring babies, there is the flight into Egypt with an infant etc, etc.
8. So, it seems to me that Jesus’ mother gets a lot less attention than she deserves at this time of year.
9. It is of course entirely self interested but I have used this observation to justify an investigation as to what mothers and babies might like for Christmas this year…
Foodie presents for mothers:
Carbs for Christmas
Jesus’ mother is clearly not an Atkins diet fan. I know this because she keeps appearing in carbohydrates. Baked goods are her thing. A toasted cheese sandwich upon which her face magically appeared recently sold on eBay for $28,000.
There is actually a registered psychological disorder to describe those people who see the face of the Virgin Mary on a Chelsea bun or a tortilla chip. It’s called pareidolia. There seem to be an awful lot of Americans who suffer from this condition.
In the light of the above how could she not approve of the:
• The Patisserie in the Post Office Centre in Illovo do new mummy hampers – a pink hat box, lined with crepe paper, filled to bursting with cup cakes, pink macaroons, baby meringues, elderflower cordial, rosé wine (cost determined by what you pick to put inside your hat box) 011 2680044
• For those in Pretoria Hennie Fisher is the caterer who does the world’s most elegant christenings: he has a nartjie cake with that American style icing that is basically a kind of Italian meringue that is beyond exquisite, he makes bellinis from heaven. Champagne and icing sugar are everyone’s favourite carbohydrates after all. 083 320 4915
The no carb yummy mummy option
For those disciplined souls who are trying not to eat carbs in an admirable (but far too disciplined for me) desire to get rid of their baby weight.
• The Body Sense Day Spa in Fourways has a mummy and me toddler package – R300 buys you and your toddler (3 years and up) matching manicures 071 3191919
For those mummies who aren’t eating but wish they were
• Body Therapy in Pretoria offer a half way option. Their Day Spa package sounds very foodie but you can’t actually eat any of it. There is a mineral salt scrub, a chocolate body wrap, an oat meal mask (which smells so good – I don’t like porridge and I long to eat it), a seaweed wrap. 012 346 3747
Bethlehem is in the Free State and Cape Town is so last year…
Mary was stuck with her manger and stable but if you really can’t cope with where you are this Christmas here are some delicious foodie options where there is still space at the inn
Trust me, you do not want to stay and eat anywhere in Bethlehem itself. But if we expand the gastronomic net to include the whole of the Free State there are many fabulous, relatively undiscovered, delicious and child friendly places to stay.
Free State Fabulous 1: De Oude Kraal - 051 5640 733/ 636 (rooms from R450 per person sharing bed and breakfast, dinner is extra)
• multi-award winning hotel and restaurant is situated on their 2400 ha merino sheep farm – there are baby lambs and you can play at being shepherds watching flocks if you want.
• The cellar is a Diners Club Platinum award winner – so you can splash out booze wise in any direction that takes your fancy.
• The house dates back to 1885. The horizon stretches on forever in that way that only the Free State can.
• The Christmas day menu reads like a culinary love letter to the traditional cooking styles of the region. Blesbok pastei pie, roast lamb, sweet potatoes caramelized in orange juice etc, etc. A whole dessert room.
• There are baby sitters on request and lawns to run about on and a really nice child friendly atmosphere.
• They have space at the inn both just for lunch and over night on both Christmas day and Christmas Eve.
Free State Fabulous 2: Franshoek Mountain Lodge and Polo Club – (0)51 933 2828 (rooms from R400 per person sharing bed, breakfast and dinner)
• Not that poncy place in the Western Cape but rather an utterly daft, truly fab hotel in the heart of the Maluti mountains.
• To reach it you drive along what is possibly the world’s worst dirt road.
• At the top is a stone farm house with log fires, piles of Private Eye magazine and a bar man who can make a damn fine, extremely strong gin and tonic.
• It’s like stepping into white mischief.
• Dinner is served at a long communal table where your dining companions will invariably include an Argentinean play boy, an Indian rajah or at the very least a London merchant banker all of whom frequent the lodge to brush up on their game in the European off season.
• There is hypnotherapy and massage and all manner of good things.
• And really nice food. The menu is a curious but delicious Basotho-Thai mélange because the kitchen staff were trained by renowned Thai chef Orna Chuam Kaew. What Orna makes of the adaptations that her protégées have made to her original menu – the night we were at the lodge our massaman beef curry was served with morogo – has not been recorded.
• Franshoek Mountain lodge can take people from the 28th so if you can cope with your stable until then you can head out to the polo field.
Actually we ought to be seeing Mary’s face not in a bun but in the faces of those less fortunate than ourselves.
• Mary was a young woman who had a baby under extremely difficult circumstances.
• As mothers we all know how hard babies are even in relatively easy lives.
• The Zimbabwean women and babies camping out at the Central Methodist Church in downtown Johannesburg are people who know exactly what no room at the inn feels like.
• And they still desperately need nappies, baby formula, baby food etc.
If you want to take stuff through yourself:
Central Methodist Church
79 Pritchard St.
(Downtown next to the High Court)
If you don’t want to go into town but you do want to give to this worthy cause you can take your donations to the Bryanston Bible Church who have agreed to take them in for you. The church is at 9 St James Crescent, Bryanston. They can take donations from 9am – 2pm
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