The ‘help I hate the holidays’ gourmet guide  

• The location of a family holiday is almost invariably a compromise.

• One family member needs to surf while another insists on being close to the mall.

• Epicurean travelers are almost always the ones who lose out and end up in a place they don’t want to be. If you say ‘all I want to do on holiday is eat and read books’ people somehow think that is just slothful and not requiring of respect.

• So what to do if everyone else in your family voted for the game park and you hate wild animals? Where to sneak off to while your nearest and dearest are sun bathing on the beach or mooching around the mall?

• Even if you are in a place that is usually nice it will be hell during the xmas holidays so you need an exit strategy.

• What follows are suggestions for those who just wanted to eat well but ended up in the horror holiday spots…

If you lost out and ended up on the beaches of KZN

KZN opt out 1: Skip the beach and rather go and congratulate the Enaleni sheep

• For over 2000 years traditional, indigenous Zulu sheep have been a cornerstone of pastoral practices in rural KwaZulu-Natal.
• These hairy heirlooms have fat tails, fur rather than wool and often tiny mouse like ears (they are known as ‘swelamadlebe’ – those who lack ears - in isiZulu).
• They have evolved and adapted to the specific conditions of the region.
• Sadly crossbreeding has put our mouse eared, fury friends on the endangered list.
• At Enaleni Farm, 35km from Hillcrest, a small breeding flock has been established.
• The good news is that last month the über-prestigious international Slow Food Movement recognized Enaleni Farm's attempts at breeding and preserving the Zulu Sheep by declaring them the first of their Presidium Projects in Southern Africa.
• This is a huge big deal in the eco-epicurean world.
• The Slow Food web site states that “presidia strive to sustain quality production at risk of extinction, protect unique regions, biodiversity and ecosystems, recover traditional processing methods, safeguard native breeds and local plant varieties by offering technical assistance to improve production quality, organize exchanges among different countries, provide new market outlets (both locally and internationally).”
• The Enaleni sheep join African Presidia such as Ethiopia’s Harenna Forest wild coffee, Egypt’s Siwa dates, Cape Verde’s Planalto de Bolgna goats cheese and Madagascar’s Andasibe red rice.
• Those who like to mix conservation with pleasure should know that Enaleni farm also has a guest house where hearty organic meals are served.
• The kind shepherds at Enaleni say as long as you call ahead they would be delighted if you came to congratulate the sheep – you don’t have to stay the night just come and say hi.  

Enaleni Farm. 082 872 2049   -   Richard Email: enalenifarm@gmail.com

KZN opt out 2: beer makes most things bearable.

• Unlike the super-commercialized Cape Wine Routes, the beer route in KZN still has the feel of a loose association of enthusiastic amateurs wanting to share a passion.
• Visitors can sample the liquid output of everything from boutique micro-brewing houses and traditional Zulu sorghum beer makers to large scale commercial producers.
• Whether you savour the flavours of the Nottingham Road Brewery at Rawdons Hotel (and feast on the very fine Eisbein at their Bierfassl restaurant), sip on Zulu Blonde from Zululand Brewery in Eshowe or marvel at the industrial grandure of Ijuba United National Breweries near the Battlefields of Dundee its all deliciously different.
• Even those whose travel plans do not allow them to leave the Durban metropolitan area can still fit in a visit to Firkin Hophouse Micro-brewery and pub at the Pavillion Shopping Centre, Westville, Durban.
• If you aren’t going to Durban but you are interested in hand crafted beers you could buy Richard Chennell’s charming new book The Wandering Keg (Chennells Media CC, R250) explores the tastes, brewing techniques, social  and environmental conditions of 30 breweries in  South Africa, Uganda, Mozambique and Namibia. Food fanatics will love the beer and food pairing/ recipe sections.

KZN Brew Route info and beer book info via 035 474 2298 or  0827759998 or beer.kzn.org

If you lost out and ended up at the Kruger Park

Skip the game park and drink rose petal martinis at Magnolia

• White River’s Magnolia restaurant is only 40 km from the Kruger Park so your family can drop you off before they go and look at wild beasties.
• Chef Jamie Watt serves sensational rose water martinis.
• The lamb shank melts off the bone, the prawn cakes come drizzled with naartjie dressing and there are no words to describe the perfection that is the apricot and cardamom panna cotta.
• The décor is pleasantly White Mischief in its style and the wooden deck looks out over orange groves.
• Best of all is that once you have eaten yourself into oblivion in the restaurant you can fall into bed in the attached Casterbridge Hollow boutique hotel where handmade nougat on the pillow awaits. Wake in the morning to find that croissant queens Goodness Mdhluli and Khosilia Mholala have been hard at work turning out buttery mouthfuls of flaky perfection.

Magnolia, Casterbridge Lifestyle Centre, Cnr Hazyview Rd (R40) and Numbi Rd (R538), White River, Mpumalanga. 013 751 1947, www.mag-nolia.co.za

If you lost out and ended up in Cape Town

Skip the Waterfront and have high tea instead

• The Table Bay Hotel has a secret corridor that joins it to the V&A Waterfront.
• The daily high tea is a thing of beauty. The view is the best in Cape Town. So dress up, take a book and eat tiny tart au citron while they rush about buying things they don’t want or need.

Table Bay Hotel, Quay 6, V&A Waterfront, Cape Town. Tel: 021 406 5688

Alternately, if it’s a Saturday, pinch the car and drive 10 minutes down the road to the Neighbourgoods Market
Neighbourgoods Market; Old Biscuit Mill, 373 Albert Road, Woodstock, Cape Town. Tel: 021 4481438, info@neighbourgoodsmarket.co.za

Whether you want to feast on organic aubergine pies, binge on bespoke cupcakes or stock up on crisp crusted ciabatta breads you can eat and drink yourself into oblivion at this über-cool inner city foodie hot spot.

If you are staying at home you need to know about the secret scone spot in Santa’s Southern Hemisphere grotto

• 45 Oak Avenue Fourways doesn’t sound like a promising spot but the Lady Beth Nursery (011 705 1674) is a specialist fuchsia nursery that at the moment looks like Mrs Santa has been gardening – they hang from every tree like floral stalektites (or is it mites?),
• It is just indescribably beautiful and absurdly almost embarrassingly cheep.
• Then when you have finished buying up fuchias you can retire to the tea garden for the best scones known to man. NB. tea garden is not open on Monday or Tuesday but is open all weekend.
• The nursery itself is open every day except the public holidays. So it’s perfect for escaping your family.