Introduction
• We all know that businessman Kenny Kunene celebrated his 40th birthday with a party where sushi and sashimi were served off semi-clad human platters.
• Since then eating off people seems to have become the flavour of the month; Last week's City Press reported that Kanye Mbau has been eating raw fish off naked people too - although this time its naked chaps not naked ladies.
So where did Kenny and co get the idea from?
• Nyotaimori is the Japanese practice of serving sashimi or sushi from the body of a naked woman.
• Nantaimori refers to the same practice using a man as the tray.
Zwelinzima Vavi didn't like it one little bit ...
• Cosatu General Secretary Zwelinzima Vavi very cross.
• Vavi said that "it is the sight of these parties, where the elite display their wealth, often secured by questionable means, that turns my stomach,'
• Kunene responded that it is "honest money spent on good honest fun"
But is it good honest fun?
STRIKE ONE AGAINST NYOTAIMORI: gangster gourmet
• It's not an old tradition.
• In Japan it was introduced in the early 1980s by Yakuza gangsters and is thought of as a pretty seedy and sleezy thing to do by average Japanese people.
• It is food to organise organised crime to.
• So it is deeply debatable whether nyotaimori has ever been good honest fun.
STRIKE TWO AGAINST NYOTAIMORI: sis warm raw fish...
• it violates all hygiene regulations regarding raw fish.
• Sushi should be served cold not at body temperature.
• Assuming that the human platter is clean and not going to introduce direct contaminants we are still talking about raw seafood which can be a vector for a range of viral, bacterial and parasitic creatures.
• Clearly proper sanitary conditions and cool conditions cannot be met if the platter is human and warm not a chilled sanitised fridge.
Even if the fish and the nakedness are harmless surely its not very patriotic to serve so much foreign wine Kenny?
In a country with a significant and fine local wine industy it seems odd that according to the City Press Kunene served 66 bottles of Dom Perignon, 36 bottles of Cristal and 32 bottles of 18-year-old Chivas Regal. Why no Graham Beck?
Was Kenny ripped off?
Perhaps this is a storm in a teacup. Every picture I have seen the girl is covered in cucumber slices with a strawberry and a bit of cream. Not sushi. I think Kenny might have been ripped off by his caterer. Because thats not sushi as far as I can see...
If you are keen to pull a Kenny - Where can you do it in JHB? Christmas party anyone?
• When you need to know about nakedness in Johannesburg it is always best to call Andrew Phillips of the Grand in Rivonia who is an expert in naked.
• He says that they have arranged several eating sushi off naked ladies parties before and would absolutely do it again if people phone and request it.
He says he is happy to organise non sushi naked platters - I asked if he could do mince pies and he said he would be happy to arrange a human tray of mince pies. He actually said "the possibilities are endless." so people would just need to think what they want and call
• Remember that cool is better than hot for the model.
• He says he would need people to do it as part of a broader function. Cost would be the usual entrance fee of R300 per head plus the model's fee.
• How to get hold of him to set it up: The Grand; 011 234 9593; Corner Main Rivonia Rd and 11th Avenue, Rivonia
• While you are there check out the astonishingly good wine list and the fab Mr Wippy ice cream machine
Homemade naked platters. What else could you eat off a naked body and where to buy it?
BUY IN NON SUSHI OPTIONS -
• Really anything except soup will work. How about the following suggestions...
• Pretoria: I Love Pies 083 252 8737 or at the Hazel Food Market - puff pastry mini pies smoked pork and apple, smoked salmon and fennel, venison and rosemary small enough to line up in rows on the stomach...
• Truffles of Africa truffle oil - pour it in the belly button? and dip good bread? donnah@icon.co.za
• Jakhalskos Liquid nougat - 082 576 5747 (real vanilla organic eggs, honey, sugar) paint on a lover or just eat on a waffle.
• Chocolate doesnt work very well - The world’s favourite love drug is the only foodstuff that melts at human body temperature - which is great in your mouth as it instantly coats the palate and becomes one with the mouth but not so great if your platter is a person. Stick to nougat.
• When in doubt go with the classics Marquis de Sade requests “a plain omelet served piping hot on the buttocks of a naked woman and eaten with an exceedingly sharp fork.”
OR MAKE YOU OWN: sushi lessons or nun's farts anyone?
SUSHI CLASSES: The obvious thing to do if you are shy is make your own sushi. So why not go for classes? Chef Miyamoto offers step by step classes in JHB that will allow you to go home and make your own and serve it in any way you like.
Miya's Cuisine 011 760 3634
NUN'S FARTS: I tried to think what non sushi option would be nice to cook and then eat off a friend. And I thought Nun's Farts (Pets de Nonne - final proof that the French are loons) might be the way to go...
Pets de Nonne (will make 28 to 32 fritters).
It's really just a super simple variation on choux pastry.
1 cup water
1/2 cup butter (cut into pieces)
1 cup flour
1 cup eggs (roughly 4 large eggs)
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
oil for frying
1. Bring the butter, sugar and water to a boil over medium-high heat. Reduce the heat to medium and add the flour all at once.
2. With a wooden spoon, vigorously stir the mixture. It will start out as a sticky mess but will turn into a glossy lump of dough that pulls away from the sides of the bowl.
3. Transfer the dough to a bowl and beat (either hard by hand or using a kenwood mixer with a K beater attachment) for a minute to cool the dough a bit.
4. Then add the vanilla and eggs, one at a time, beating on high speed to incorporate. Once the dough goes from wet and slippery to sticky, you can add the next egg.
5. Once all the eggs are mixed, transfer to a large zip top bag. Cut off the corner to produce a 2 cm diameter opening and you're ready to go.
6. Heat a couple inches of oil over medium/medium-high heat and pipe little blobs of the batter into the oil. Give them a quick stir with a slotted spoon to prevent them from sticking together.
7. You will most likely have more batter than room to fry, so feel free to cook the fritters in batches.
8. Allow the pets de nonne to fry for several minutes until golden brown and cooked through.
9. Drain onto paper towels and allow to cool slightly. When they're no longer blistering hot, dust with powdered sugar and serve warm on top of a naked lady.
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